I was unconsciously incompetent when it came to commitment in our relationship. I focused on trying to make Angus fit my standards and expectations thinking I needed that in order to feel safe enough to be committed to the relationship. What this resulted in was a lack of trust in our relationship that got in the way of intimacy and goodwill. Angus felt my ambivalence even if it wasn't named. It would make him more vulnerable to his insecure thinking and around we would go. What I didn't know is that wholehearted commitment first would make the fit so much easier.
Getting the fit right without being two feet in was impossible. The fit is in the form and is never going to be perfect. What I was looking for was formless. I was looking to experience more of the intangible, transcendental qualities of love in order to commit to the relationship. But these qualities actually have nothing to do with Angus. They are a space within myself. When I realized this and experienced them more, I no longer looked to Angus for my feelings of security. I knew my security, wellbeing and resilience resides within me. And as soon as I didn't expect him to fill that impossible role I had been asking him to, I felt comfortable being two feet in in the relationship and the fit took care of itself.
If you are putting your partner on the rack trying to make them fit and you genuinely want to be with them, forget about the fit and try experiencing your true nature of love more deeply. See what that does for your relationship and let us know.
Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” Listen to their podcast Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. Many couples don’t know how to navigate low moods, conflict, and emotional reactivity. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships by pointing them to their innate wisdom and wellbeing. They work with couples who are struggling and couples who would like to deepen the love and intimacy they already have. They co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love.