I write for lots of reasons. I write to purge. I write for catharsis. I write to embrace parts of myself that don’t often get to see the light. I once sent a poem I wrote to one of my coaches. I can’t remember the poem. I do remember the coach and that the poem was dark. It was about my pain, and I got the sense it wasn’t appreciated.
There is so much societal emphasis on positivity and needing to be positive it can be exhausting. Remembering that we have peace of mind and well-being inside of ourselves is essential, but what about the rest of the human experience that doesn’t feel that way? Does it not deserve to see the light of day too?
My job is to support people with having less suffering in their lives, particularly less suffering in their relationships. The foundation for less suffering in relationships is less suffering within ourselves, but less suffering within ourselves can’t be approached from the perspective of going after less suffering or focusing on feeling good. This creates more suffering because there ends up being resistance to what is and the pressure to be somewhere else.
What I find cathartic is embracing the difficult feelings. Not because I want to magnify them, but because the lack of resistance to my experience feels good to me.
I don’t currently suffer from depression. I find myself naturally optimistic and lighthearted, but when I sit down to write my mind often takes me to the darker crevices of my consciousness. The unswept corners that I feel uncomfortable expressing. Writing has me spend time with parts of my consciousness that I would otherwise ignore.
Thanks to my writing teachers I trust the process and write the words that express my experience. The experience of feeling unworthy. The experience of anxiety. The experience of fatigue. The experience of fear. The experience of sadness. The experience of not being enough.
The central theme seems to revolve around me feeling unworthy and unlovable. The psychological coping mechanism I adopted to try and cope with not feeling good enough is doing things to try and prove myself good enough. This gives me fleeting experiences of satisfaction through achieving goals and accomplishments, but that isn’t what I am really looking for. What I am seeking is an undeniable experience of my worth so that I can relax, so I can feel safe, so I can have peace of mind.
I have had experiences of feeling incredible love and peace, but I still live with the experience of not feeling enough at times. It is in the background. A backdrop that drives me more than I would like and probably more than I even realize.
I know enough not to try and change this or fix this.
I can love and accept myself as I am. This feels like it is all that is needed.
I was listening to a Tim Ferriss podcast episode with Dr. Andrew Weil. Episode 615 Dr. Andrew Weil — The 4-7-8 Breath Method, Cannabis, The Uses of Coca Leaf, Rehabilitating Demonized Plants, Kava for Anxiety, Lessons from Wade Davis, The Psychedelic Renaissance, How to Emerge from Depression, Tales from 50+ Visits to Japan, Matcha Benefits, and More. Tim isn’t a minimalist when it comes to his show titles. In one section of the episode, they were discussing the benefits of using psychedelics for emotional and physical healing. Tim asked Dr. Weil if he had any interest in using psychedelics currently and he said no, “When you get the message, hang up the phone. And I feel that way. I think I've gotten the message about psychedelics."
I wonder if I have missed the message.
Maybe, but I can still enjoy life with the backdrop of unworthiness. I can feel that my fear is not proof of my unworthiness, but I still have other beliefs that I am less than because I feel fear and insecurity. I can see the legacy of self-judgment for not fighting back, not standing up for myself, and allowing myself to be bullied. The judgment that I acquiesced and pleased instead of staying true to myself.
I can of course forgive myself for judging myself for these actions. Intellectually I know that is true, but the experiential knowing of this hasn’t arrived yet.
I don't judge myself for this.
There is an alchemy that is unfolding. More will be revealed. I used to think that "more" would be about feeling better or being better in some way. Now I see the "more" is unknown. It is beyond my level of understanding and grounding. I can’t know it. I may never uncover the “more” and get the message, but that is okay. I can be comfortable in the unknown and with the level of consciousness I'm at with all of its limitations and blind spots.
Healing and awakening in consciousness are the same to me. My life experience tells me there is a continual unfolding of the two that I can trust. The trust is much deeper in me now. I trust the unfolding in ways I didn’t use to. I have a sense that something larger is unfolding through me that I don’t need to understand and that I can’t control.
I am along for the ride. And it includes all of my human experience. I can’t get it wrong and neither can you.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In the first season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couple's intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilders Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.