I have a thing about feeling important.
I like to feel special. I like to be the favorite.
I don’t like being on the outside. I don’t like feeling less than. I don’t like feeling insignificant.
I want to be in the in-crowd. I want to finish first. I like coming out on top.
Trying to be all of this is really hard work and never satisfying because there is no such thing as arriving. There is never enough praise, validation, acknowledgment, adulation or success to take away feelings of unworthiness.
Even though I know better, at times, I still drop into feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. I still look for approval and am disappointed when I don’t get it.
Angus thinks I’m crazy when I go to him for reassurance. He doesn’t see me the way I see me in those moments.
I used to think the goal was to never feel insecure. I wanted to eradicate all of the traits I didn’t like about myself like the insecurity that leads me to want to be special so I can feel good enough. I used to think having this experience was wrong and meant I needed fixing.
The difference in my understanding now leads me to be kinder with myself when I get insecure because I know the experience has no meaning. Even if it looks real enough for me to act on it. Even if it feels strong enough for me to look outside of myself for approval. Even if it is compelling enough for me to spend time measuring myself against external markers. Even if it is sneaky enough for me to fall into the trap of comparing myself to others. This does not mean anything about my value and worth. My essence is not damaged or broken by my experience of insecurity and any behavior that ensues.
All of the things I used to want to fix about myself like insecurity and trying to be special don’t bother me as much now because I recognize them as passing experiences and not who I am. I don’t see my spiritual growth and understanding as limited by my human weaknesses. I see that I am always doing the best I can and that sometimes includes me getting insecure and caught up in self-doubt. But what does it matter if I am not my experience? Seeing the fluidity of the experience of who I am, gives me such freedom and allows me to recognize my experience is never a problem to be fixed.
Just like I don’t see the experiences of my dreams at night as problems that need to be fixed, my day- dream experiences aren’t problems either. So what if I slip into the dream of forgetfulness during the day? There is no point in me wasting energy trying to change and fix the dream. All that does is make the dream look more real and more like a problem.
I am simply grateful that I do wake up from the forgetfulness and experience the peace, well-being, and contentment of who I am. This waking up occurs naturally and brings with it the experience of freedom from trying to be more or special. It is a relief from striving when I drop into the moment. It is relaxing to be in the now. And this lasts until I forget and get caught up in some train of thinking and the dance begins all over again.
What is helpful for me is to see the source of my suffering is the striving to fix the dream of forgetfulness and looking for an external solution to the suffering that comes from within.
I am seeing more easily the folly of my seeking to feel better by going further into separation and trying to prove my specialness. How can my experience of my uniqueness ever really be satisfying when it is simply the representation of me forgetting who I really am?
Seeing this gives me more peace with the seeming paradox of being a spiritual being having a human experience. My acceptance of my frailties is much greater and with this comes more ease because I am not trying to fix myself.
If you feel any pressure to better than or special, hopefully, you can see the pressure as a signal that you are looking in the direction of separation and not toward your true nature. Any attempt to be better than or more than who you are is looking in the opposite direction from the deeper feelings of contentment and well-being that naturally result from having less of you on your mind.
Of course, we are all unique in our humanness. Each one of us has a different human experience. However, even though we are all living in our separate experiences, and our source, the intelligence behind our humanness, the spiritual nature of our being is formless, unchanging, and the same.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.