The One Thing That Is Most Important for Relationship Happiness
The One Thing That Is Most Important for Relationship Happiness
Angus and I have been finishing up the first season of our Rewilding Love Podcast. We are getting ready to do some “Ask Anything” episodes so if you have any questions about the podcast or relationships in general please email them to email@example.com or leave your question anonymously by leaving a voicemail at 1-424-272-6479. We look forward to hearing from you!
Creating the podcast required that I relisten to the recording of the intensive to identify clips to use. The relistening process has been really helpful for getting a bird’s eye view of how the intensive unfolded and for seeing what the universal themes were that emerged.
The universality is important to me as I grapple with how to help as many people understand how to not only have an easier time in their relationships, but also how to open up to a deeper depth of love, understanding, and intimacy within themselves.
When I look for the one thing that is most important for relationship happiness and success, it is the individual's state of mind.
Given that our experience is an inside job, our partner or others we are close to can’t fix our state of mind. That is always a reflection of the thoughts we are identifying with.
For greater relationship happiness focus on your own wellbeing first. This isn’t selfish. You benefit, but so does everyone else around you.
I can see first hand in my relationship with Angus how my state of mind or level of consciousness is what is most important. I don’t need to control it. I can simply be aware of how clear or unclear I am. Knowing I am reactive is a game changer because it helps me to not trust my thoughts in those moments. That way I am much less likely to engage in behaviors that are detrimental to goodwill in our relationship.
I can also take care of myself in ways that support me with connecting with my inner wellbeing and wisdom. For me this includes regular hikes with Niko, quiet time, relaxation time, connecting with loved ones, my work. But it is not the activity that is important. What is the common denominator with all of these activities is they support me with being present. Simply being with what is. That is the flow state where time falls away and the veil between the form and formless becomes more transparent. The new Disney Pixar movie Soul captures this in a fun way in their depiction of a flow state.
The one thing that will improve all your relationships is you being present to your essential nature. All that is required for that is presence. Let your personal mind rest so the deeper universal mind can be experienced.
How often do you give yourself the opportunity to connect with and experience your impersonal self?
That is the best relationship advice I have to give.
When you allow yourself to connect with the deeper impersonal you, this buoys your mood and speaks wisdom to you. If there are changes that need to be made your wisdom will guide you and your true nature will provide the energy to implement.
This is not a passive approach. People can confuse surrender, acceptance, and open-heartedness with passivity, being a door-mat and allowing anything to go. This is not my experience.
Allowing myself to be rewilded by my true nature is anything but passive. It is dynamic. It is wild. It takes me out of my personal comfort zone and allows me to open my mind and heart to who I am beyond my concepts. Not that I will ever understand who and what I am. That is the mystery, but I can respect the mystery. I can honor the formless. I can allow myself to be resourced by source, and I can get over my personal thinking and leave it alone so it is easier for me to hear and be guided by the deeper voice within.
That is the relationship exploration I invite you to participate in.
Take time for yourself. Get quiet. Create a space away from external distractions and demands. Lay down if you are weary. Let yourself relax. Allow yourself to let go. If emotions come up, let them. Put down any resistance to what is. Let yourself be. Take as long as you want/need to rest in this space and allow yourself to feel supported by that which is real and true. Some people call this the Christ consciousness, Buddha nature, Kutastha Chaitanya, pure consciousness...
Use whatever term that works for you that points to the spiritual essence that is at the core of each individual, and every atom of creation. It is the loving intelligence behind life.
Expanding your identity beyond your personal self that perceives itself as separate to realizing you are the impersonal consciousness that permeates everything is liberating. It is freeing. It is resourcing. It is fun. It is enlivening. It is good for you. All you have to do it is look in that direction. Get a taste of it. A glimpse of what is true. You don’t have to live in the constant state of oneness to benefit. Simply connect with the inner spark and intentionally fan the flames of your eternal nature. That is enough to experience healing and transformation in your life.
From looking in that direction you will be guided in your relationship. Forgiveness becomes available not for behaviors, but for judgments against ourselves and others. Surrender becomes accessible not as a relinquishment, but as a receiving of blessings. Acceptance becomes the norm not from an attitude of resignation, but as a way of being with what is with an open-heart without resistance.
From this state of mind, it is natural to love wholeheartedly and your relationships will reflect that. Loving wholeheartedly doesn't mean staying in a relationship. Relationships can be ended with love and understanding, they can be reborn with love and understanding, and they can be sustained with love and understanding. The answer can only be found in your own heart. As Polonius advised his son, Laertes in Hamlet,“This above all: to thine own self be true.”
That is the essence of what makes relationships happy and successful. The individuals in the relationship honoring the impersonal nature of who they are so they can reap the benefits of inner freedom, peace of mind, and knowing of unconditional love. From there relationships flourish. So remember -- start with your Self first.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.