This post references sexuality and female orgasms. If you are sensitive to these topics, please give this one a miss.
There are some things in life where it is obvious that willpower is not going to get you there. Having an orgasm is one of them. There was a period of time when I was going through the changes associated with menopause that orgasms became more elusive, and for part of that time nonexistent. This was disconcerting, but I learned to enjoy the valley orgasm of sensual pleasure and focus on slowing down, letting go of the goal of reaching a climax, and drop into deeper feelings of relaxation, presence, and body awareness, and not be attached to a peak orgasm. I was grateful to explore different forms of sensual pleasure, but I was disappointed I was not able to achieve a peak orgasm.
Fortunately, cannabis topicals changed this for me. I do not like the feeling of being high on cannabis, but topicals don’t have that effect. And living in California where cannabis is legal they are now easy to purchase. It turns out that I am not the only one to experience this benefit. Weed lube is a thing, and it has allowed me to restore this aspect of my life in a way that might be even better than it was before. However, I still need to relax and be present.
For much of my relationship with Angus, except at the very beginning when we met each other and after coming across the 3 Principle understanding, I suffered from what Angus calls sexual ADD. Right before intimacy, my mind would fill up with lots of thoughts, and it would be very hard to focus and stay present. I understand now, that this was more a reflection of how much I had on my mind anyway. My mind didn’t just fill up before lovemaking. What happened was, as I relaxed and slowed down, I became aware of how much I had on my mind. Without slowing down my busy mind was invisible to me. But in the process of slowing down and relaxing into my body, I would become conscious of how loud my inner talk of worry and anxiety was. Shopping lists would come to mind, missed errands, kids’ tasks. Sometimes I would pour it all out and share with Angus everything on my mind. This was not the most erotic of foreplay. Fortunately, he was very kind and patient with me, at least most of the time.
After coming across the principles, having less on my mind, in general, was extremely helpful in this area. I found myself more open to physical intimacy as experienced less anxiety and insecurity. Who knew Angus and I would get this extra perk. And with the changing hormones, cannabis topicals have worked a charm.
Now we just have to deal with the experience of living in a home with two young adults. We don’t want to gross them out so we are discrete about our intimate encounters. But especially during the time of the pandemic, there are times when one or both of them are home, and as luck will have it, one or both of them frequently start banging around in the kitchen while we are having our nooky or as Angus likes to say, “his comforts.” Our bedroom is on the same level as the kitchen, and during these experiences, I have found it extremely hard to concentrate, even with a locked door and excuses made as to why we can’t be disturbed.
This has given me an experiential reference point for SEEING how the mind gets in the way of being in the present moment and letting go. I recognize the intrusive thoughts. I don’t want to engage with them. I really do want to be present, but I find myself running with them against my personal preferences. It is like a throwback to being a teenager and trying to make out without getting caught. I don’t know why I am so uptight about this, as far as I know, they are oblivious, and if they aren’t, they are not letting us know. Maybe if we weren’t as discrete about this would speed up the moving away from home timeline, but the pandemic seems to have put our empty nest experience off way into the future. And I am very grateful to have this time with them.
My ability to achieve peak orgasms, however, isn’t what is important here. Although if you have been having challenges with this, I do hope this exploration gives you hope that they are still possible and the exploration of “weed lube” might be fun even if they aren’t a problem. There are anecdotal reports that it eases discomfort and pain, particularly during and post-menopause, enhances physical sensitivity, and potentially increases orgasms and orgasm intensity.
But this is more about just orgasms, as important as they are to some of us. Orgasms are about letting go, whether they are of a peak or valley nature, they require a surrender into the present moment. They are an embodied experience that allows the natural inclinations of the body to take its course. They do not belong in the realm of the intellect. They are transcendental. They cannot be controlled or tamed. They allow the life force and spirit within to flow. They can remain elusive no matter how much effort is implemented. Willpower and intellect are not useful for achieving them. They are simply a natural part of the design that we can fall into.
This sounds like a good orientation to a life well lived as well. Life lived in the present moment, in an embodied state, open to experience as it unfolds. It awakens the senses and the heart. We feel our connectedness with all things and behave accordingly, recognizing the one source. Leaving our intrusive thoughts alone becomes the norm. We are present to what is, allowing life to live through us. This doesn’t mean we can’t use the intellect for the doing of life, but our doing can be informed by the rich presence of our being. There is at least one fun way to practice this.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.