I Haven’t Hit the Wall Yet
I Haven’t Hit the Wall Yet
I am sitting in bed before a webinar. Angus just shut the bedroom door so I can have some peace and quiet.
The sun is streaming through the rectangular window in the bedroom above the bed. There are no curtains on it. It makes the white room even brighter. I am snuggled under the duvet with its beige cotton cover with my gray weighted blanket on top of it. Propped up by multiple pillows of different sizes. My brown mug of tea sits on the wooden bedside table next to me with wafts of steam floating in the air. I am wearing my pink fleece dressing gown gazing at the blue mood painting Angus is working on now hanging on the wall.
I begin typing.
I should be getting ready, but instead I am writing. I may not get to my writing if I don’t write now. It is a jam-packed weekend. On top of the webinar, a last-minute client request. Catching up on the emails. Personal errands. There is an unrelenting forward march that I feel caught up in.
My emotions are craving stillness. My mind is craving a deep dive into reading. My body is craving sun and warmth on my skin.
The signs are there that it is time to take a break.
That should be the end of the story, but it isn’t looking likely. I know my mood is impacted when I don’t listen to my internal feedback. I don’t want to go back to my old ways of needing to get sick before taking a break, but I am in that liminal stage between being okay and not okay, and I don’t quite know how to jump off the merry-go-round. This is progress. I haven’t hit a wall yet, but the feeling is familiar.
The courage to say no. The courage to stay still. The courage to resist.
But as I settle, I see how I have been hoodwinked again. The urgency to slow down is imagined. There is no time in the world -- just now.
I realize this is a story as old as time. My mind is telling me I need to run away to a desert island. I need to change something. I need. I need. I need. There is a feeling of pressure to change something so I can get more comfortable, but what is needed, is the present moment.
Can I drop into it now? Can I be with what is? Can I know that peace is within?
I don’t need to change things out there. All I am feeling is my desire and longing to get present. That is it. It is that simple. My life unfolds beautifully when I am not thinking about how I am doing and what I need to do.
I heard someone is upset with me. The pain I feel is not coming from them. It is my own painful rules that say I need to get it right all the time that is what is painful. I see people who live in the freedom of being open to the what isness of life, and I am envious. I hate my emotional fragility, but I know that is my teacher. It is my path to waking up. My sensitivity when I see it for what it is lights the way for new possibilities. It lets me know when misunderstandings are at play, when my conditioning is running amok, when I need to get real.
Thank you for joining me on this merry-go-round as I find myself coming full circle back to myself and remembering all is well. Just put one foot in front of the other and see where the steps take me. I am ready. Feeling the blessing of remembering who I am. That is the gift, always and forever. An eternity to always come back to. Hopefully, this serves as your reminder as well as my own.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.