I am writing this the day before Mother’s Day. I have just finished giving my husband Angus specific instructions regarding what I would like the day to be like tomorrow. There have been too many Mother’s Days with tears. According to Angus because I am not his mother there isn’t any responsibility on his part to do anything. I see it differently. I am not one to miss an opportunity to be celebrated.
Even with these instructions, I am experiencing FOMO. There is the largest Three Principles Conference in the world starting in London tomorrow, and I decided not to go. There is a lot going on with our daughters. I thought it would be helpful to have both parents at home. Also, I have a busy schedule and didn’t want to wear myself out with transatlantic travel. This is a new level of self-care for me, being willing to miss out in order to rest and spend time with family.
In the past, I hated to miss out. I did my best to never miss out. I tried to do it all. I never stopped. I kept going. I didn’t acknowledge having limits. I wanted to be superhuman — immortal. Recognizing my human limitations and mortality; however, has been helpful to me. Rather than it being an experience filled with resignation, it has been freeing. When I accept that I can’t do it all, I don’t feel as much internal pressure. I stop trying to fit everything in. When I stop pushing, I have more perspective. If I am not focused on packing in as much experience and excitement into my life as possible, I am able to recognize more easily what feels good. In this case, staying home felt good. I called to me. I listened to my inclination.
I like not being driven by my adrenaline rush or by my desire to create an adrenaline rush. Previously my fear was that if I did not push myself I would not accomplish anything, and if I didn’t accomplish anything then I wouldn’t be special. My desire to be special, to stand out, to be important, to be extraordinary was an attempt to feel worthy. I thought the only way I could feel good enough was to be the best and to do that I had to work really hard, and it never was enough. No matter what I achieved there was a better best to achieve.
Letting this go means coming to terms with my ordinariness. I do less. I don’t get as much done in the day. I might not achieve certain some things because I am not willing to push myself to achieve them. The shift in my drive is a result of me seeing more clearly that there is no winning the game of looking for my worth outside of me or inside of me. If I feel unworthy, that is a reflection of the thoughts I am gripped by in that moment.
It has nothing to do with worth, and working harder or trying to figure out why I am feeling unworthy is only going to get my thinking more stirred up so I experience less of the feelings I enjoy, not more. The antithesis of unworthiness for me is peace of mind. I used to think it was feeling worthy. Just like it looks like the opposite of love is hate, but actually, the opposite of love is indifference. The opposite of unworthiness is peace of mind because when I have peace of mind my worthiness is not a question. It is a non-issue. Worthy is the same thing as unworthy — just the other side.
I can think I am worthy or I am unworthy. I have a different experience when I believe each of these things, but they are both based on a false premise that there is such a thing as worth that I can have or not have. What feels more accurate to me is there is no such thing as worth, only being. No one needs to earn their value or do anything to be good enough. It is impossible not to be good enough. Each of us is a unique expression of the energy behind life. We are all made of the same stuff no one can be better than or less than.
I am getting more glimpses of this. The more I see this the less I push. The less I fear I will not be okay, or that I will be punished and suffer from my lack. I am less afraid of not measuring up because I see there is nothing to measure up to. It is all my made up ideas of expectations and standards that I compare myself to. I am the only one whose judgments I feel, no one else’s.
I was speaking with someone recently about their experiences with psilocybin mushrooms. She spoke of feeling the benevolence of the energy behind life. Angus told me recently when he was driving home from dropping our daughter off, he had a feeling of the oneness of all things as he drove up the hill that came completely out of the blue. A client shared how she could feel the difference in her body expanding and constricting depending on how busy her thinking was.
My six-month-old husky puppy Niko just licked me. He wants my attention. I am in my living room sitting on the sage U shaped couch with the faux black leather table in the middle. My gray, fat tabby cat is next to me, and Niko is at my feet waiting for me to stop writing. It is dark outside. The soft light from the upright lamp in the corner throws a warm glow into the room. There is a mess in the kitchen. I can see from where I sit. We have an open plan house. I am wearing an alpaca sweater, black shorts, and short sheepskin boots. My bare brown legs stretch out in front of me. My iPhone, never far from reach, lies silent. This is ordinary. This is bliss. This is it. There is no destination. There are only moments, and each moment contains the whole. William Blake’s poem Auguries of Innocence comes to mind:
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.
Angus interrupts my musings as he walks through the front door with the gourmet pizzas we ordered. The sacred to the mundane. There is no difference.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.