I used to think the understanding of the Principles was supposed to stop me from being in a low mood. I thought that if I could just get enough understanding low moods would never strike again. And when I experienced a low mood, I thought this meant I didn’t know enough, and I felt pressure to see more so that I could end my suffering.
It didn’t occur to me that wanting to see more actually causes suffering.
Now I am feeling low. Life feels hard. My usual zest is not there. There isn’t anything difficult going on. There is no reason for life to feel difficult. That is the randomness of a low mood. It comes. It sets in. And before you know it you are singing the blues.
But now even in my low mood state, I can see the wisdom in not trying to change anything. I do feel the tugs to follow certain thoughts. The ones about me not being good enough and less than. The ones that tell me I am a failure and hopeless. The ones that tell me I am a fraud and worthless. These thoughts are like small bells tinkling in the background ringing for my attention.
I notice them. I even feel the effect of them in a mild way. But that is it. No drama. No ramping up and escalation. I am not working at not being dramatic. That is the gift of the understanding. At least at this moment, I see it doesn’t make sense to do anything with those bells. It doesn’t occur to me to try and change my feelings. It makes more sense to watch another episode of Call the Midwife and let my heart crack open seeing those beautiful babies.
As I slow down and rest, I am aware of a feeling of pressure to be further ahead than I am. And behind that pressure is a feeling of fear that if I don’t listen to those promptings I won’t do anything. I will stop working and my life will just fall apart. That fear has been with me a long time, and I fought it off in the past with hard work. Doing was my solution.
I decided if I was going to work hard then I may as well do what I love. I am very grateful to have created a life and business doing what I love in a sustainable way, but there is something new occurring to me. A glimmer of insight is emerging through the fog of my thoughts. Recognizing that working hard isn’t a given. In my slowed down state, the fear looks more ludicrous and also more visible. I see where it is still at play. There is definitely more inspiration in my life now, and I do create from that place, but there is also still a certain amount of drivenness at play. This is not a new insight, but one that is going deeper. Invisible thoughts are being revealed to me.
I know I have pushed myself too hard when I get sick, and I know I've been doing too much when I want to run away from my life and be on a desert island. Both of those happened recently. I am still on the learning curve of not overdoing it. I definitely course correct sooner, and there is something more for me to see around letting myself relax and doing nothing. I am good at doing what I love now I can get better at loving doing nothing.
I see how I still don’t trust that I don’t have to work hard to be able to survive.
Letting that go feels quite emotional. I see my hesitance to trust the deeper intelligence behind life. To surrender to a higher power. To let go of the fight. Thy will rather than my will. I am used to the struggle. Comfortable with working hard. Can I really let go even more?
Even if life is delicious, I don’t have to gobble it up so fast.
What do you see and experience when you don't listen to the bells of your insecurity? What opens up for you when you look to the deeper intelligence behind life and see how it is unfolding in your life? Does something fresh and new occur to you? Does pressure lift when you see it is not on you?
What is new for me is seeing more clearly how I have linked my survival to working hard. There is something that rings less true to me about this. There is another layer of letting go that is now visible and possible to me. I respect even more the peacefulness of life and can see to not fill my calendar so full, even with the good things. I am feeling more drawn to simplicity and spaciousness.
There is no rush to get things done. There is just now. This is it. Nothing more is needed. Everything is in this moment. It is complete. No seeking. No searching. No striving. There is no arriving. There is only being and that is infinite -- Infinite being. The vastness and incomprehensibility of infinity that had me twist up into knots rather than experience it, looks more like an invitation to relax into the mystery now. It is less of a terrifying chasm of the unknown. I see it was my fear of my infinite nature that had me reaching for the illusion of control through hard work. Nothing like a low mood to have me slow me down, let go, relax and become more appreciative of the experience of life as it is.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.