So often in relationships when one person’s mood tanks, the other person’s mood goes down with them. It might even look like there is a stable one who is trying to help the unstable one, as with Angus and me. But actually, Angus's attempts to pull me out of my funk were a sign that he was feeling destabilized. His attempts to make me feel better were a coping mechanism for him to try and soothe himself. He thought he needed me to feel better so he could enjoy his life.
Understanding that experience comes from within and is temporary, and that our wellbeing cannot be taken from us, is the pattern interrupt. This understanding reminds us that our partner’s experience doesn’t cause our suffering, they will stabilize, and we can be connected with our love and peace of mind no matter what their experience. This creates resilience in relationships. Staying anchored in our wellbeing is what allows us to have space for our partner's feelings, or if you are destabilized by your partner’s upset, it makes it very clear how to take care of yourself. Rather than needing your partner to change their emotional expression in order for you to feel okay, it is clear that the first priority is to take care of yourself so you can allow your feelings and nervous system to stabilize. Instead of focusing on them needing to change. The priority is to focus on your own self-care and self-compassion.
Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” Listen to their podcast Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. Many couples don’t know how to navigate low moods, conflict, and emotional reactivity. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships by pointing them to their innate wisdom and wellbeing. They work with couples who are struggling and couples who would like to deepen the love and intimacy they already have. They co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love.