Rohini broaches the subject of divorce, recognizing that Alicia's fear of the relationship ending is part of what fuels her volatility. If Alicia can make self-honoring choices, it will be better for her and the relationship, and the key is to make decisions about the next steps from a place of inner calm and wellbeing instead of fear. The Rewilders don't view the ending of a relationship as a failure, rather their work centers around facilitating individual transformations and connection with inner wellbeing and peace of mind. This has the ripple effect of benefitting relationships.
Alicia is really starting to see where her upset comes from; her relationship to her own thinking. She and Rohini discuss how she'll be better off walking away or distracting herself in times of reactivity instead of leaning into it and acting from that feeling. Only life or death situations are dire enough to require immediate attention, most anything else allows for a pause.
Rohini cautions Alicia against using this understanding as bait for being hard on herself, we can't control what thoughts come in, but we do have choice over how much attention we pay them. If we resist boarding the thought train when we're in a reactive state of mind, we give ourselves the chance to return to an innate feeling of calm and wellbeing. Our quality of feeling always tells us the truth about our state of mind and learning what neutrality feels is helpful.
Episode 8 explores:
- Not paying attention to our conceptual mind when it's caught up.
- Once we start on this learning curve, our normal for what upsets us starts to change.
- Neutrality has a peaceful feeling to it, if it doesn’t feel that way, you're not there.
- Learning where our experience comes from is simple but life-changing.
- Rewilding is the opposite of self-management.
- Making room for humanness and frailty in relationships brings out the best in partners. Conversely, feeling tamed or required to change brings out the worst.
- We don't have to board the train of our thinking.
Show Notes
Self-flagellation: the disciplinary and devotional practice of flogging oneself with whips or other instruments that inflict pain (not recommended).
Putting the oxygen mask on yourself first: Asked to do this in planes before aiding others; a helpful metaphor as a reminder to take care of ourselves first in relationships.
Podcast music
Rewilding Love features the music of RhythmPharm with Los Angeles based Master drummer, multi-instrumentalist, and composer Greg Ellis, born and raised in the Bay Area. Ep. 8 includes selections from: Violet/Balance; Blue/Calm; Orange/Nourishment; Yellow/Clarity.
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Angus & Rohini Ross are “The Rewilders.” Listen to their podcast Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. Many couples don’t know how to navigate low moods, conflict, and emotional reactivity. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini love working with couples and helping them to reduce conflict and discord in their relationships by pointing them to their innate wisdom and wellbeing. They work with couples who are struggling and couples who would like to deepen the love and intimacy they already have. They co-facilitate private couples' intensives that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love.
Rohini is the author of the ebook Marriage, and they are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can also follow Angus and Rohini Ross on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about their work visit: TheRewilders.org.